The Rebel Within

You wouldn't know it looking at me today, but there's a rebel within me. All my life I've felt like I just didn't quite fit in and it showed. "I'm a rebel, Dottie, a loner." Those words may have been Pee Wee Herman's but they fit me too. Eventually in my late teens alcohol became my friend. Then I added a little marijuana to the mix. I starting dying my hair purplish-red, even had the bottom half buzzed and had a 6 inch braided tail. My wardrobe was all black, I carried a switch blade in my boots, and hung out at punk clubs in Salt Lake where I usually danced by myself next to the speakers. I smoked two packs a day and played pool in smoky, dingy pool halls. I had a homemade tattoo of a skull and crossbones on my shoulder. I dated guys with names like Billy Rat, and while a couple looked like Billy Idol, others sported mohawks. I had the cops draw their guns on me once. I had some psycho on drugs throw his fist through my car window shattering it in my face. I had lots of times I probably should have died driving drunk or high.

Then something changed. I checked myself into a treatment center. Months later, I ended up pregnant and became a single mom. I quit smoking, cold turkey. I went back to church. Went back to college.
Went back to blonde. I became a member of society and got a full time job. I volunteered at my son's elementary school every year. I dressed normal and even covered my skull and crossbones tattoo with a sunflower done by a guy named Bones. And after 10 years as a single mom, I even got married. Then I really became normal - even boring. There would be no more dancing. No more shooting pool in dingy, smoky pool halls. I even had an allergic reaction to my tattoo many years later and had it surgically removed. Now I have a four inch scar. I started my own business and I'm even the Chair of the Davis Chamber of Commerce Women in Business. I've been sober 22 years, smoke-free 18.

But the rebel is still within. In the last year or so I went back to dying my hair all sorts of different shades of red (much to the dismay of my mom). I still go to my Social Distortion concerts. I even hit the hard stuff twice a week. Yep, Diet Coke WITH the caffeine! I went back to playing soccer in my 30's and then again in my 40's. At 38 I took martial arts classes and earned my 1st degree black belt. I still long to play pool in smoky, dingy pool halls with Tom Waits playing on the jukebox. And sometimes, when I'm alone, I crank the music up and dance by myself. I still find guys like Mike Ness and Jesse James sexy with all their tattoos, not to mention Orlando Bloom when he had his mohawk. Heck, I still have the urge to get a mohawk myself...I just don't act on that one! I still love the sound of a Harley, and dream of driving a little red corvette. Marriage hasn't really worked out as I had planned. And sometimes I still feel like I don't fit in. 

You see, it's still there. Sometimes I feel it so strong I think I might explode. Sometimes it makes me smile. And sometimes I even let it out to play a little. It's the rebel within.